Debbie Downer

Hello, my name is Debbie and I've been on a total downer.

I didn't post at all yesterday nor did I even get a hint of any retro hair, clothes and makeover fun... I was lucky enough to just about find time to brush my hair & teeth and get dressed (although baby promptly threw up down my clean top within minutes of having it on). It was one of those days. Boy, was it ever one of those days.

I love my children, that goes without saying, but there are those days when I am sick of hearing my own voice, when I don't like myself very much, when I wonder if I'm really cut out to be a Mum... By my own admission I am a total introvert and I need time to myself to recharge and feel normal. Having kids means never getting much of that alone time at all - there's barely a chance to go to the toilet without an audience or sleep in my own bed without a baby snuggled up to me. It can become claustrophobic... suffocating.

Yesterday, I was in a total fug.

I was getting angry with my children, I was screaming at my 2 year old. My eldest is smart and he has an amazing vocabulary, has had since around 12 months. I have to remind myself he's only 2, he's only 2, he's only 2... It's finding the balance between chastising him for every little thing and just letting him be. He's taken to hitting me, screaming, throwing things; it becomes exhausting saying the same thing over and over again. We both have tantrums in this house and I know it gets us nowhere but it can be so hard to see a way out of it, to resolve it. Tempers flare and we have stand off after stand off. Especially when he doesn't take no for an answer, when he just wants what he wants and that's it. He's hitting me with a cardboard tube right now because I said not to him wearing my glasses... today I can cope with it. Today I have patience and can see that he's just testing his limits and struggles to control his emotions. Today they both napped at the same time and I got a whole 1.5 hours of time to myself. It's so invaluable, I can't even describe it.

Yesterday, I was like a sad puppy waiting eagerly at the door for my Husband to return home. I couldn't wait for him to get back so I could hand the irritable baby over and just go the toilet in peace - actually be able to close the door and breath for 2 minutes. So much of being a mother is about someone else's well being 90% of the time (if not more). If you don't take time for yourself you will drown. Or at least, that's how it is for me. There are days when I barely speak to another adult. Husband comes home and we try to talk (usually it's him telling me about his day) while we put the children through the dinner, bath & bed routine, then it's dinner in front of the TV and then husband falls asleep on the sofa. And so another day ends. It's not always this way but it can go on like that for days, maybe weeks if we let it. For someone who is rarely on her own, it's lonely being a Mum at times. I have to take my hat off to all people who do this parenting thing alone, I can't even imagine doing it by myself 100% of the time.

I think that's why this blog and the instagram account have become almost like a lifeline for me. I'm allowed to think about myself for a while, I'm reaching out to other like minded people and becoming part of a community. It makes the days feel less lonely and it gives me something to use my brain and creativity on that otherwise wouldn't get exercised.

I know this is old ground that other people have waxed lyrically and more eloquently about than I have. But to all the Instagrammers who take the time to like my photos and leave kind comments - thank you. To all those amazing ladies who paint themselves and dress themselves like art and share it with us, thank you. It is both inspiring and a source of huge comfort to me on those days when I feel like I've lost myself. To those people who take the time to look at this blog, thank you. I enjoy writing and having a project like this, to actually pour my energy into saves my sanity and means my brain gets used for something other than being a target for my son's kitchen roll tube/toy mop/dinosaur.

Onwards and upwards people. I'll try not to be such a Debbie Downer from now on!

Thanks, as always, for reading.